27 Funny Things to Say to a Narcissist

Unfortunately, a narcissist landed in your life.

And while you may enjoy aspects of their personalities, you’re also looking for ways to put them in their place.

That’s what we’re breaking down today: funny things to say to narcissists.

So pull up a screen and get ready to write down some of these witty comebacks.

By the end, you’ll be armed with a bunch of witty things to say when the egomaniac in your life is driving you insane!

How Do You Outwit a Narcissist in Conversation? 

Narcissists love to play mind games.

They traffic in emotional abuse and manipulation.

They’re also big on gaslighting, so landing a “blow” sometimes seems unimaginable.

But it’s possible if you have the right tools and find the right opportunities. ‘But it’s possible if you have the right tools and find the right opportunities. 

Let’s look at a few ways to fire back and outwit a narcissist in conversation.

  • Walk Away: Sometimes, not saying a word is the best comeback. Walking away when they’re mid-rant can be powerful. Just make sure you’re safe.
  • Take Responsibility: At first, this suggestion may sound infuriating. After all, they’re the problem, not you! But sometimes, being accountable for your actions throws them off their rage, making it a great way to knock a narcissist off their high horse.
  • Gray Rock Them: “Gray rocking” is a psychological term that describes being non-responsive. You don’t need to walk away when you do it. The key is giving blank, non-committal, one-word responses. It drives narcissists nuts, and it’s a great way to diffuse a situation and ultimately outwit them. 
  • Anticipate Their Reactions: People with narcissistic traits and personality disorders tend to behave the same way over and over. So when they work themselves up, say something like, “Next you’re going to,” and insert the anticipated action. Don’t get emotional, but let them know you’re onto their games.

27 Laugh-Out-Loud Funny Things to Say to a Narcissist 

1. I don’t know much about astronomy, but I’m positive the sun doesn’t revolve around you.

When someone with narcissistic personality traits vents about how their life isn’t going the way they want, point out their self-involvement with this witty line. 

2. Yes, of course, I want to spend the next bazillion hours talking about you!

This conveys your annoyance with them for always talking about themselves. If they’re low on the narcissistic spectrum, it may turn the conversation around.

married couple having a conversation funny things to say to a narcissist

If not, they’ll probably get huffy. But let them. 

3. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t remember asking for your opinion.

People who think highly of themselves love to dole out unsolicited advice.

Snap back with this biting remark to let them know you’re not impressed with their “shoulds.”

4. I don’t doubt that you’re the best at everything you do – in your mind.

Narcissists believe they’re lovely, giving, humble people. Injecting this line into the conversation may wake them up to how others see them: an overconfident, self-centered egomaniac.  

5. My bad. I didn’t know your name was Google. But it must be since you seem to know everything.

How infuriating is it when you’re stuck in a conversation with a megalomaniac?

Let your disgust with their know-it-all attitude known with this witty retort. 

6. Slow down, Speedy Gonzalez!

Narcissists have a knack for rambling on and on about others’ infractions. When they’re mid-rant, whip out this line and let them know they’re being mighty hypocritical.  

7. I don’t have time to feed your ego right now. Could you handle it yourself?

Supplying a narcissist with their ego needs is exhausting. So if you’re having a tough day and don’t have the energy to give them what they need, throw out this quip and watch it land.

It’ll probably make you feel great, and you deserve it!

8. Oh, I’m sorry. Did my feelings get in the way of yours?

Narcissists are notorious for ignoring other people’s emotions. They don’t have the capacity to put others’ needs above their own, ever. When you’re tired of their nonsense, unleash this quip.

9. You’re so full of yourself. It’s amazing you don’t float!

This zinger will knock a narcissist off their feet. They may laugh it off, but it drives home the message that you’re no longer interested in hearing about their life.

10. I beg you. Please show me where your off button is!

Sure, we all have monopolized a conversation at some point. But narcissists do it all the damn time, and it’s maddening!

Let them know you’ve had enough of their blabbing with this funny, ego-bruising quip. 

11. I know you’ll go far in life — and I hope you stay there.

Ouch! Let the narcissist in your life know that you’re not impressed with their achievements.

Sure, they may be impressive, but their personality detracts from their success.

12. When it comes to self-absorption, Brawny paper towels have nothing on you!

This wordplay is funny and gets the point across. It’ll sting, and they’ll probably protest by declaring themselves the most giving person in the world.

When they do, point out a time they inappropriately prioritized their needs and wants.

13. I didn’t realize you knew I was still alive!

Narcissists are often users and only reach out to people when they need something. When the situation is reversed, they’re nowhere to be found. Drop this line when they contact you out of the blue.

14. You have your whole life to be an ass. Can you take today off, please?

This line is good to pull out when things are serious and you need the narcissist in your life to cut the crap.

It’s pointed and sharp and will drive home the point that you’re not playing games at the moment.

15. You make me realize that God has a sense of humor.

If you’re plagued with a narcissist who claims to be religious, this burn cuts right to the chase.

man and woman talking over coffee with papers on the table funny things to say to a narcissist

They may not “get it” — or may even take it as a compliment. But you’ll know the truth.

16. I hope you have a wonderful day — somewhere else.

After dropping this bomb, get up and walk out. It will drive the point home.

Sarcastic retorts like this drive home the point that you’re done with their drama, ego, and general personhood.

17. Here, take this steaming cup of ‘get over it!’

When someone with a narcissistic personality style objects to something you said, signal that you won’t play their games with this sarcastic line. 

18. I could agree with you, but that would make both of us wrong.

This play on words is clever and cutting. And sometimes, that’s exactly what a narcissist needs to get the message. It may also make them think twice about how they’re behaving. 

19. Do you really think everyone wants to walk in your shoes?

People with huge egos tend to believe that everyone wants what they have. Let them know that’s not necessarily the case with this burn.  

20. Tell me, how much do you love hearing yourself talk?

This zinger can stop a conversation in its tracks. You’ll probably get a huff or ten in response because people with narcissistic personality traits genuinely believe in their own magnanimousness. 

21. You’re incredible looking. Your face doesn’t need a thing. But your personality could use some work.

Many people with narcissistic personality traits are very vain.

So why not sling this double-edged compliment to let them know that someone’s behavior matters more to you than their appearance? 

22. Do you know what your problem is? YOU!

Narcissists love playing the victim. They blame everyone and everything except themselves.

Throw this fact in their faces with this witty line. It’ll probably stop them in their manipulative tracks.

23. Oops! It looks like you dropped some names on the floor.

The narcissist’s favorite pastime is bragging. So when they’re on a roll and dropping names, pull this one out for maximum impact.

24. People who must deal with you daily are the true heroes of this story.

A narcissist has been going on and on about one story or another — always casting themselves in the role of hero.

Yuck their gum by letting them know you don’t see them that way. 

25. That’s an interesting perspective. But let’s leave the make-believe world and focus on reality.

Many people with narcissistic traits harbor delusions of grandeur. They see themselves as the best and are incapable of acknowledging their mistakes.

Snap them out of their fairy worlds with this grounding retort. But don’t be surprised if they stomp away in a fit of high dudgeon. 

26. Thanks so much for reminding me why I left you in the first place. I needed that.

After you drop this line, gather your things, turn your back, and walk away. They’ll likely shoot back with something childish, like, “NO! I left you!” But deep down, a quip like this tears away at their ego.

27. You’re alone because you always behave like you’re the only person in the room.

Sometimes, letting a narcissist know the truth is the best option.

So if the self-absorbed person in your life is ranting about how they’re lonely and their relationships don’t work, point out the obvious.

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9 Funny Things Not To Say to a Narcissist 

Using a smart, witty, sarcastic line on a narcissist can feel great! But as irritating as they can be, egomaniacs are people too.

And in most cases, they are the way they are because of deep-buried trauma. 

As such, it’s important to be careful. You don’t want to say something so mean that it causes them to go off the deep end and hurt themselves.

woman wearing a small smile looking sideways funny things to say to a narcissist

After all, the goal is to get them to change (even though most cannot) or leave you alone — not do something devastating to themselves or others.

So with that in mind, let’s look at nine snarky things you probably shouldn’t say to someone with narcissistic traits. 

  1. Thanks for reminding me why everybody hates your guts.
  2. Ugh! I wish you would take a long walk off a short pier.
  3. You’re a beautifully wrapped pile of crap.
  4. I can’t wait to expose all of your nonsense!
  5. Brains aren’t everything, but you’re working with nothing.
  6. Here’s a knife. Please use it on yourself!
  7. I hope your world blows up.
  8. Honestly, I wish you were never born.
  9. You deserve everything bad that comes your way, and I hope they keep coming.

Why Is Humor a Good Response to a Narcissist?

Victor Borge once observed that “humor is the closest distance between two people,” and it couldn’t be more true regarding narcissists.

Wrapping truths in a witty joke does several things.

  • It Highlights the Absurdity: Narcissistic behavior is often ridiculous. Sprinkling a little humor on a situation can point out the absurdity of their behavior without attacking them viciously.
  • It’s Disarming: Narcissists have inflated egos and take themselves too seriously. Being funny can undermine their attempts to control, manipulate, and dominate situations by diminishing their perceived power.
  • It’s Distancing: People with narcissistic personalities like to build a sense of closeness. They want others to be dependent on them. Humor creates distance and puts the narcissist in their place. It’s a gentle reminder that they are not as wonderful as they think.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with narcissistic people is challenging. It can drive you crazy!

But a little humor can lighten the load — and in some cases, may even cause the egomaniac in your life to take a step back and examine their behavior.

How do you give out witty comebacks to a narcissist? Read this post and learn this as well as some funny things to say to a narcissist.

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